Filed under: Uncategorized
Filed under: personal.
the biggest disappointment which she should never give seem to be given to him. what had he actually done to make her be this mean, this crude, this unfair or anything else to him? well, he did nothing. its the girl, its just her, always her. together with her most unpleasant personality and character which not any individual could easily handle with.
her legs want to stay still, not wanting to leave at the moment. her legs want to move, to be back to his embrace. her hands want to stretch to give him the hug. her hands want to punch in the 8 numbers to ring him up. her hands want to text him. her lips want to plant a kiss on him. her ears are wanting to hear his voice. but practically everything she wish and want to do, her yet again ego, overtook her.
her ego went against everything. her legs moved when she shouldnt leave. her legs stopped when she could just walk to him. her hands seem to be heavily tied up when she could have just give him a hug and assuring everything’s fine. her fingers could type anything and everything, but the button ‘call’ and ’send’ just couldnt be weigh down, weightless strength. her lips should have make him feel better, but she chose to shut it up. her mouth, shouldnt have say all these things as it dont make the situation look better in any ways, but worst. she know she shouldnt say all these to develop hurts into him, but she couldnt control, she has had too much pride in her. far too much. she knows he matters, she knows he is all she wants, she knows he is the most important man in his life. but what’s the point of knowing, she couldnt bring them all out into actions. bad.
chances now, it might be just too late for her to try to piece up the broken pieces in him again. as even if she do so, the scratches are still there, and always will be. and she’s sure, things will never be the same again. laugh at her biggest regret in life.
the heart. strongest and most vital organ in a human body. how could she possibly do this to him. he deserves none of this shyt, seriously. shemisshim. sigh.
Filed under: Uncategorized
its been quite some time since i last updated this space of mine, been pretty much busy or should i say lazy to log into this page to type a short paragraph of some daily happenings in order to keep it alive. well, laziness never fails to take its toll on me, which i always succumb badly to. thats really a bad habit which i should start kicking it out of my traits. but someone tell me what can i do about it? its in me. ):
anyway, was back from BKK a week plus ago and life’s there was great. living pretty much like a queen whereby there’s literally no stress or problems which you could have. maybe its because one is out of his/her hometown, and thus, being in another foreign country brings you away from the stress, problems & whatever negativities that one is facing. its just shop, sleep & eat over at BKK. every single day. and no doubt, i put on weight! and that sucks, because i should be on a diet! ): remembered being back to singapore, the sudden feel of burdens came into play, cause its back to reality. big bomb straight into my face. but again, im able to see my beloved babylove! alrights, BKK aside now.
anyway, have been engaging in pretty much lengthy conversations with my daddy. sometime, i wish to be just a little bit like my mother. the patience, determination, never holding on to grudges, the love&care she gives unconditionally, putting down her pride&ego endlessly, never complaining about any tasks given & many more. i love talking to my daddy, i like the way he told me about his stuffs, but many a time, they always set me thinking big time, should i go into what he is doing as well? if i dont, with those jobs offered, will i be able to support him alone with the pay i get? i dont think i can. but again, he hopes that from my generationn on, things could start changing, he wants it to end in his generation. and he hopes i dont disappoint him. but, daddy, advance sorrys if i ever let you down in the future, if i feel that what you dont want me to do is actually good for our family. i know i’ve let him down again and again, i know im not the perfect daughter for him, i know im one hell of a spoilt child & trouble-maker in the house & i know that im the worst child among my siblings. i know, but always i cant help doing it. maybe because im more towards the stubborn side. daddy, i know what you mean when you told me ‘ dont just think about how you feel just to make yourself feel better, but think about what others will feel first when you decide on the action that you want to make.’ alrights, conversations ended.
suddenly, i feel like leaving singapore again. i need a getaway badly. and i mean real badly.
when one gets all impulsive, regrets are bound to surface in the life. she’s glad that she did not stir up another regret, which she almost screwed it up. just almost, deciding to forgo the farewell word. that would be the worst regret ever she could guarantee. she knows clearly what she wants, its just that she couldnt really phrase it across, couldnt really express it across. and with her headstrong will, ego and pride, that’s the ultimate combination which could sent her to think without using the brain, which often leads to many regrets. but she affirmed, she would never have him as a regret, never, for as long as possible. she would try her best to be a good girlf material, she would try her best to piece up his broken heart, she would try her best to develop his faith and trust. she screwed it up before, but this time round, as of now, she would never screw it up again, cross in her heart, never.
she’s sorry for everything. deep down from the bottom of her heart, her apologies. she would never make him feel that way again, she would give her best to avoid all redundant situations and conflicts which arise. cause she knows that he matters. and really alot. for he is the one for her.
so much of her wanting to hug him now, telling him everything would be fine down the road from now. so much of her wanting to say iloveyou to him, which could never express how much she felt. despite seeing him almost everyday, she could never get enough of.
that important bastard in the bitch’s heart. and thats you my boy.
Filed under: personal.
so yeah, she is everything but good.
constantly disappointing everyone dear to her.
couldnt make them feel proud of her, couldnt make them feel happy with her, couldnt make them feel anything positive about her.
all about giving them problems, troubles, anger, disappointments & everything linking with negative traits instead of positive ones.
she has strived to be good, to be better, to be a person worth caring&loving for, to be someone whom all the dear ones around her could lift up their head and say ‘ yes, thats my daughter/girlfriend/friend/sister/colleague/student ‘ and whatever not.
but she couldnt. for she failed in every aspects. even all the simple one, in fact even the most simple of all, she couldnt succeed.
